The yelling becomes louder and louder. The words, harsh and caustic, come spilling out. Daggers landing in the people I love the most. For a moment I don’t even realize they are coming out of my mouth. I’m disconnected. Fueled by an anger with an unknown source. I tell myself to stop and my heart rate begins to slow. I’m left to face the harsh reality of my words. A confused husband, a devastated daughter.
I stare at the numbers as I try to make sense of them. Bank statements, bills, repairs. My hands begin to tremble as my heart climbs its way up to my throat. Trapped, I try to figure out how to make it all work. The walls around me feel like they are closing in. I begin to panic.
Frantically, I text my husband. I know where this is heading. The anxiety attacks, the lashing out, the losing sleep.
Darkness. I’ve been here before. I know it’s cold floors and bare walls all too well. Ironically, parts of it feel like home. A safe place to hide perhaps. I feel myself getting comfortable. Snuggling up to defeat. Projecting my fears & insecurities on everyone around me.
A confused husband.
A devastated daughter.
“I love you,” he repeates to me over and over. Slowly breathing life back into me. Somehow he sees past my biting words, knowing that they are covering up my despair.
“I’ve missed you today mommy,” she seems to have forgiven me for lashing out. She puts a smile back on my face.
These moments serve as reminders that it’s okay to make mistakes and the power of forgiveness. They love me even when I’m frail and weak.
So I do what I can, I read more books with the girls. I hug & kiss my husband often. I say “I’m sorry” when I’m out of line & I stop to catch my breath.
Disclaimer: Just so you know, I wrote this post when I was overwhelmed and having a hard time with the fact that I was lashing out at everyone. I am okay and in no way do you guys need to worry about me. This was part of me releasing tension & I’ve held on to it for a while and have decided to go ahead and hit publish. Thanks!