I’m struggling with mourning the loss of a friendship.
It’s not a friendship that was lost recently, in fact it’s been many years but only recently have I truly started to see the pain and the hole that was left when we parted ways. Perhaps maybe it was because it didn’t happen suddenly. There wasn’t a grand declaration that we wouldn’t talk anymore. Over a series of months, maybe years, we drifted. Feelings were hurt over missed or cancelled plans. Gradually, invitations started to go away.
We moved on when our lives were taking drastically different direction. Hers was transitioning through a divorce……… mine: a pregnancy.
If I really think about what happened I can name a million reasons why we drifted apart and yet not one of them seems like a good one now.
She got to meet Madison once in the hospital but has never met Hannah. Just typing that stings one thousand times over.
She recently got remarried and looks so happy. I wish I could have shared that happiness.
How do you go from inseparable to forever separated? The girl who gave me her I.D. so I could drink and get into bars when I was 19. The girl who I used to follow bands around the entire State of Texas with. The girl whose french horn I stepped on in 7th grade.
She’s intertwined in so many memories… from middle school to standing up with me at my wedding.
And now I don’t know her at all.
We’ve both tried to reach out at different times. We’ve extended the olive branch but never with the resolve to follow through and actually rekindle our friendship. I realize this is the course of life. People come into your life and eventually leave. You hope they stay around as long as possible… that the only separation is in the end, but you handle the evolution of your relationship. You accept that it has become Christmas cards and Facebook messages.
But when it’s no longer Christmas Cards and Facebook messages and you realize that you are about to celebrate your 30th birthday with out her, it hurts.
I don’t know if you read this, but if you do… I miss you Kate.