Growing Up In Oz

Hi, my name is Joanna and I have no idea where to go with this blog.

It used to be I just wrote and knew no one read it.

Then some people read it and I got caught up in that.

Then even more people read it. And commented. And paid me money to write about their personal businesses.

Then I met friends, got pregnant (again! surprise!) and forgot about it.

Then I reinvented it to match our new family.

Then I forgot again when I had that second baby.

THEN I started writing again.

Then I wondered if people were even still reading. And if they were, they weren’t commenting like they used to.

Then I started worrying about my kids in the future and what they would think about when they uncovered this blog.

And now I sit here wavering back and forth between deleting and continue to dispense nonsense about my life on the internet.

And if I’m being honest…. it’s not just sharing my kid’s lives on the internet that has me wavering. It’s the need to be perfect on the internet with everything you just started yesterday.

Over Christmas break I got a fancy (to me) new (to me) camera from a dear friend who upgraded. I haven’t even told you because I’m nervous that once I tell you, people will start to critique my pictures. I will be expected to know what exposure and aperture mean. People will want to know what program I’m using for post processing (hint: I’m not). I will be told to just take my camera off auto and go for it. But maybe I don’t want to do that.

I’m starting a sewing class in February. And it’s not because I want to open an Etsy shop or make the girl’s clothes. It’s because it is a skill I have always wanted to learn. Plus, I should perhaps take the sewing machine out of the box that Clint bought me for Christmas in 2011… true story. But I haven’t told you that either.  Because what if I suck?

For years and years (and years and years) I struggled with needing to be loved, needing to fit in and forcing myself to receive both of those things by not being genuine.

I haven’t been that way in years in my real, three dimensional life.

But suddenly I feel that way on my little space of the internet and that is never ever supposed to be what this space was about.

I can tell you I’m probably not going anywhere.

I’m probably not going to “re-focus” my writing either because WHAT I’ve written has never really changed. Something inside of me has changed and that’s all on me… not on you.

But I felt it necessary to share because I have a distinct feeling that I’m not the only one that feels this way.